I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
