How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
