i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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