only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
