Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
