We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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