I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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