but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
