i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
