mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
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