I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
