i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
