I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
