then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
