don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
