paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I can't trust your balls anymore.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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