I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
