Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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