Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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