You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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