Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
