I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
