It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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