if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
