Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
