You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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