Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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