I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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