pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
