Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
This is the high leading the old right now
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize