imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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