i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
