did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
