I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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