Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Church boner. Awkwardddd
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
