Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i believe in u and ur pee
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
