i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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