How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
