you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
