I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
