that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
