well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
two words...techno handjob
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
