I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
