I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
