i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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