She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
