I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
