Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
