I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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