Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
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then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
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I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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