apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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