glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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