Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
