So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
