I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
