worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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