i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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