were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
